The whoopee cushion sobbed.
The fake excrement (listed in the catalogue as 'Richard The Turd:
a nice little pile, brown and horrible')
had a sticker on the underside that read:
'I've been having an affair.'
The bucket balanced on top of the door
was red and empty; when it hit his head
it rang like a carillon.
The rubber spider turned out to be
a knot of pubic hair tugged from the plughole.
The farting gnome
had 8 noises, all farts,
all tinny, distant,
like a collect call from Uzbekistan.